


Some Never Said

by Tadpole4176



Series: The Very Un-Grand Tour [4]
Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Action/Adventure, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, very silly!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:15:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27371041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: Remember Stig's lost shoe? There was more to that than met the eye.Jeremy, Richard and James find themselves on a weird Stig's eye view trip through the world as they try to make their way home from their shrunken adventure.
Series: The Very Un-Grand Tour [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1890685
Comments: 5
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Really, this story is part of the third Ungrand Tour adventure, The Lost Shoe. But that story took a bit of a weird turn, and this bit didn't really seem to fit, so it got a story all to itself.
> 
> The Lost Shoe is probably the last Ungrand Tour adventure, so I think I'd regard this as a weird, optional epilogue.

Stig stood beside Richard inside his shoe. Which was pretty weird all by itself. The fact that Stig’s shoes contained trap doors for tiny people was also pretty weird, but Richard figured he wasn’t going to think too hard about that. For a few minutes Stig simply stood with his arms crossed, looking at Richard, giving no clue about what was going on in his head. So far, all Richard could figure was that Stig didn’t want him going back through the secret door.

Then Jeremy and James started shouting.

Stig, holding his gloved finger to his lips – if he had any – in an unmistakeable sign for silence, pushed Richard to sit on the floor and very clearly gestured that he should stay still. Then he went to the shoe’s main entrance, as it were. From what Richard could see, he simply grabbed Jeremy and James and pulled them inside.

Good job the shoe was quite well cushioned! Still, Richard winced in, sort of, sympathy as he heard two quite rough landings.

“Stig!” said Jeremy. “Is this where you go when you’re not working? You live in your own shoe? Why are you pulling us in here?”

Stig, of course, didn’t reply.

“Did you take the Hamster?” asked James. “Not that I’m complaining, just curious.” He scrambled to his feet, following Stig into the shoe. “I am complaining about the entrance though,” he added.

Stig walked back to Richard, pointing at him then grabbing his arm and pulling him back to his feet.

“Stig?” said Richard, confused.

“Well done, Hamster, you’ve have found a mental Stig!” exclaimed Jeremy. “I think that might be a record even for you.”

“It’s our Stig though,” replied Richard.

Stig very firmly placed his hand in the middle of Richard’s back and pushed him towards James and Jeremy, then placed his hands on his hips and stared at them.

“I’d be mental too if I’d been stuck in this nursery for any length of time,” observed James. “Maybe he’s been round that hot wheels track one too many times?”

“Or the standard of toy cars for racing isn’t good enough,” chimed in Richard.

Jeremy chuckled. “It’s Stig, he might just be allergic to the colour of the carpet.”

Stig continued to stare at them with his hands on his hips.

“What?” asked Jeremy.

Stig waved his hand vaguely in the direction the two of them had just emerged from, ignoring their comments.

The world went dark.

And then it wasn’t.

Stig bent down to the sole of the shoe, apparently opening yet another trap door and revealing what looked like a rollercoaster car, most likely one of the types of car that goes upside down, and definitely one where everyone sits astride a single long bench. He moved to grab Jeremy, pushing him onto the bench, physically lifting one of his legs so that it rested on the other side of the bench and then pushing him right to the back of the car before the taller man could think of a word of protest.

Not that protest typically worked with Stig anyway.

Glaring at Jeremy to make him stay put, Stig then grabbed Richard and shoved him virtually in Jeremy’s lap.

“What? Stig?” put in Richard, who’d had a bit more time to think about what was going on.

Stig simply held his finger up to his helmet again, his demand that they be quiet. Somehow, with no response, it was difficult to argue. Certainly physically arguing with Stig had never gone well in the past.

Richard sat where he’d been placed, trying to ignore the feel of Jeremy’s breathing behind him.

Inevitably, Stig then placed James in front of Richard. He then gave James a push back, enough to make Richard squeak as it felt as though the others were crushing him – again – when Stig tried to make space for himself.

“Stig,” complained James. “We really don’t fit.”

“Can’t breathe,” gasped Richard, his face pressed into James’s back.

Stig ignored them, poking at something at the front of the car and not responding at all.

Then the ground suddenly fell away from beneath them.

“I think we’re in trouble,” said James briefly, anything else he was going to say stolen from his mouth as the rollercoaster set off.

The rollercoaster was fast. Really, really fast. Richard’s adrenaline shot back into action, barely gone from the trip round the hot wheels track earlier, but significantly more excited by this. This was a proper rollercoaster. Granted, they’d found it in a shoe and that didn’t really make sense, but wow.

Just wow.

The world flew past him at pace, possibly faster than he’d ever witnessed it travelling. It was like he was dreaming. Or he’d taken drugs. Or he’d suddenly turned into The Flash. Or he’d landed in Stigland!

Oh wow, he’d landed in Stigland.

Richard gasped, finally managing to keep up with the speed of their transport well enough to focus on what was going on around him. Below, the world was entirely populated by Stigs, all the same size as they were and going about their business just like any ordinary town would, only much, much faster. The cars were blurs on the ground, zipping up and down the road in the blink of an eye, even the pedestrians were fast, their legs moving so quickly they were like a dragonfly’s wings, almost invisible to his eyes. He stared, trying to take it all in, trying to make his brain go quickly enough to even comprehend what was going on.

Then an unpleasant noise in front of him pulled him back to his own reality. He realised that James was leaning to one side and turned his head against the man’s back to see what he was doing, only then realising that James had his eyes shut and was vigorously puking over the side. He swivelled his head back to find Jeremy crushed as far to the back of the rollercoaster car as he could possibly get, and still not really leaving enough room for Richard, but beaming all over his face, loving the rush as Richard was.

“Captain Slow’s really not meant for speed, is he,” grinned Richard, his words still stolen away on the wind as the world rushed by. Jeremy grinned back, Richard’s amusement – and some sympathy – reflected in his eyes.

The ride continued. It seemed endless, certainly much longer than any rollercoaster Richard had ever been on. Instead of the brief whizz around a track then back so that others could get on, it seemed like they were simply flying round the sky for the fun of it, speeding past every aspect of the town below again and again, falling ever closer.

Eventually, it did end. Richard had been thinking that it would glide to a halt gently and dramatically, in the way that pretty much everything the stigs below were doing seemed to work, smooth and elegant. All he could think was that their Stig had spent too much time in their world, because when they got to the end, he simply slammed on the breaks and Richard felt himself firstly flattened against James, and then squashed by Jeremy.

He groaned.

Quickly, Stig pulled James out, balancing the still shaky man on his feet and giving him a look that quite clearly and disapprovingly said, “You puked on my shoe,” before reaching back for Richard and Jeremy.

For a moment, the four of them stood at the side of the rollercoaster, staring at the bustling activity around them, Stigs of all shapes and sizes whizzing past them, then Stig turned back to them, his hands on his hips clearly stating, “You are all too slow.”

Holding his hand up for them to stay where they were, Stig joined the speeding crowds of stigs, disappearing from view alarmingly quickly.

“I’m not sure what to make of this,” admitted Jeremy.

“So far, I’m not a huge fan,” groaned James, his face still decidedly green.

Richard laughed. “I liked the rollercoaster.”

James grunted incomprehensibly.

Jeremy grinned, “Not come down off the high yet then, Hamster?”

Stig reappeared before Richard had the opportunity to retort, his arms full of something.

“What is that?” asked Jeremy.

Stig handed him a pair of powered heel wheels, gesturing to the speeding inhabitants of the world around them. “Clearly, you are all too slow.”

“I can’t do this,” said Jeremy, matter of factly. “I mean I tried before, I went about 3ft and then crashed.”

Richard sniggered. “And took out several audience members.”

“I seem to remember you going round in circles?”

“Well yet, but that was on something different entirely,” protested Richard gleefully.

“And James didn’t even try!”

“I’ve still got no intention of trying,” added James, earning himself a pointed glare from Stig as he thrust the heel wheels at Jeremy again, this time getting him to take them before turning to James and Richard with more.

“How hard can it be?” declared Jeremy, shoving them on his feet as though he didn’t already know the answer to that question in an effort to encourage the others. It wasn’t as though Stig was good at taking no for an answer, and he was pretty sure they couldn’t climb back that rollercoaster, so they were definitely going to need Stig to get them home.

“Don’t say that!” cried Richard, as he followed suit, holding on to Stig’s elbow as he tried to balance himself and earning himself another of Stig’s pointed looks.

“James?” asked Jeremy, now standing on his wheels, his knees bent and his arms held awkwardly bent at his sides.

“No!” protested James, as Stig pushed him against an already wobbly Jeremy and lifted his left foot to fix the wheels to it.

Jeremy wobbled again, more violently, and Richard staggered forward on his toes to try to help, desperately attempting to counterbalance the effects of James’s weight. As he staggered forward, his wheels hit the ground and instead of coming to rest beside Jeremy, he launched at his and James, sending both of them sprawling on top of Stig and then landing on them.

“Oooof, Hamster!” complained James, already not in the best mood.

“Sorry!” squeaked Richard, trying to scramble off them.

Jeremy rolled off Stig and away from James, pulling Richard with him. “Nice one, Hamster,” he chuckled.

“It wasn’t on purpose!” protested Richard, getting a full on face full of angry Stig as he tried to get back to his feet. “Stig, we can’t do this! Did you not see when we tried before?” he added.

Stig sighed in exasperation, drawing their attention to the crowd of speeding stigs around them once more, his hands on his hips again, apparently yelling something along the lines of, “You are too slow!” A bit offensive really, given that he wasn’t James, though given their surroundings he could see Stig’s point.

“Come on.” Jeremy staggered back to his wobbly feet and tugged Richard up after him, giving Stig a look of determination. “Slow, I think he needs you to at least give it a shot.”

“I don’t really care what he needs,” grumbled James. “At this point I’m missing the nursery children.”

“This is our way home, James,” pointed out Jeremy. “Just put the skates on, we’ll form a train – it’ll be a lot more stable.”

Stig nodded once, his posture finally relaxing, turning to give them something to hold on to.

“Even better,” grinned Richard. “We’ve got a Stig engine – sorry Jez, but I thought the Jez engine might break down.”

“I’d find that offensive, but I’m quite relieved,” laughed Jeremy. “I was definitely going to crash, at least unless I had one of those little penguins like you get for kids at the ice rink.”

“Oh yeah,” Richard agreed. “I like those.”

“I bet you crash anyway,” put in James, struggling to his feet with the wheels finally fastened to his feet and, after talking a look at his companions, grabbing hold of Stig’s waist. “I’m going to stay ahead of you so I don’t trip over you.”

“Me too,” added Jeremy, joining the train behind James. “I don’t need you to fall over in order to trip over you,” he added.

“Harsh,” laughed James.

Stig looked back at them, waving to Richard to get into position.

Richard grabbed hold of Jeremy’s back with both hands, and almost immediately they set off at a ferocious pace, somehow launching through the crowds without crashing into anyone and out into what could only be described as a city.

From the rollercoaster it had appeared busy, and fast, from street level those things still applied, but the sheer technology of the whole place was starting to shine through too. Everywhere they could see futuristic buildings with clean, shiny sides and automatic doors and intelligent traffic. It was as though they’d accidentally stepped into the set of Star Trek.

Well, it would have been if they weren’t all dressed exactly like Stig.

“I think I just saw Attack Stig,” said Jeremy, “keep your heads down.”

“It would be that one we saw,” grumbled James.

“Where are we anyway?” gasped Richard.

Stig slowed and turned back to them then, without a single gesture to indicate anything, said, “My home.” Before anyone could comment, he was off again into the chaos, speeding through the world.

“Is that Vegetarian Stig?” asked James.

“Didn’t he die?” said Richard.

“Stig’s African cousin,” shouted Jeremy, as though they were just sightseeing.

“How do you know? He’s wearing more clothes this time!” asked James.

“Still got the loincloth,” said Jeremy. “Slow, I’m getting a faceful of your hair,” he added in complaint. “It’s making my touristic experience very difficult.”

“How do you think I feel?” asked Richard. “All I can see is Jezza’s backside.”

Abruptly, before Jeremy had managed to think of a suitable response to that, Stig stopped, miraculously remaining on his feet as the three of them crashed into him, then simply stepping to the side as they collapsed to the floor in a heap.

“Can we take these off now?” asked Jeremy.

Stig nodded once, gesturing to a building beside them then simply left.

Not that he was normally a particularly talkative chap, but a clue might have been nice.


	2. Chapter 2

Once the heel wheels were removed, the three of them headed into the building, through a set of automatic doors that silently slid open for them, and set about exploring, and complaining.

The house – if you could call it a house – was very white and plain and futuristic. It was full of windows that made it look as though you could see right through it. The kitchen just seemed to have a big opening and a lot of buttons, Jeremy suspected it was some kind of fast order takeaway, given how fast everyone seemed to move. He hoped it had food they could actually eat, for that matter, he’d seen some of Stig’s weirder tastes in food.

Although maybe those were just a joke, it was hard to be sure.

The bedroom was even more disturbing, it looked very much as though they were supposed to fasten their ankles into the ceiling and hang upside down. Jeremy was pretty sure he’d made a comment like that about the Stig at some point. He wandered outside, through some kind of automatic door that clearly knew who he was and that he was meant to be there, curious how the house looked from the outside with all those windows, but the windows didn’t seem to be transparent from outside, just dramatically shiny like everything else. He wandered back in to talk to the others, though James spoke to him before he even had time to comment.

“Are you sure it’s not transparent, Jez? That Stig hasn’t just delivered into a Stigland Zoo as some sort of comeuppance for all those times people stared at him with us?”

Jeremy looked at him. “Well, the windows just showed me my reflection, so yes, I’m pretty sure. I suppose we could check again when we turn the lights on. I was more worried about the sleeping arrangements.”

“Yeah,” agreed Richard. “And the kitchen.”

Jeremy laughed. “What would you know about how a kitchen looks!”

“I’m aware,” protested Richard, breaking into a smile as James finally emerged from his grump at the sign of Jeremy tormenting Richard. 

“It’s strange how that’s still so funny,” commented James, uncharacteristically.

Jeremy and Richard both stared at him in surprise. “What?”

James regarded them easily. “What do you mean, what?”

“You umm…” began Richard.

“You made a comment you wouldn’t normally,” said Jeremy.

“I didn’t.”

Jeremy and Richard exchanged a sideways glance, and there was a definite quiet, “You did!”

“Maybe we should check out the food,” suggested Jeremy, see if stigs actually live on engine oil.

“Hope not!” said Richard, following Jeremy into the kitchen as James ambled after them, still puzzling over their comments.

“You can have,” began Jeremy.

“This is going to be awful, isn’t it?” said James, causing Richard to look at him strangely again.

“No, it’s OK, they eat food. The advertising’s mostly about how long it takes though – this one takes 3 minute and 21 seconds, and happens to include some cheese.”

“I eat cheese,” grinned Richard, relieved.

“And say cheese,” muttered James.

“What is with you?” asked Richard, whirling round to face him. “You keep saying these weird things you wouldn’t normally say. Is this some sort of after effect to all the puking?”

“Don’t get delusions of grandeur little man,” said James, raising his eyebrow. “I could still take you.”

“What?” said Jeremy, as Richard hovered between annoyed and worried.

“I didn’t say anything! I just raised my eyebrow, like I normally would when the annoying little shit starts being ridiculous!”

“But you did,” said Jeremy. “I heard you too.”

“What do you mean you could take me?! Why would you?”

James grinned. “Well, all that posturing, you do realise you’re the size of a 13 year old boy? Besides, I didn’t say that out loud, I was only thinking..”

“We can hear his brain?” asked Richard, turning to Jeremy in alarm. “Both of us?”

“If that’s what’s happening, how come we can only hear you?”

James frowned for a moment, but didn’t look at all worried. “I think you’re hearing things I nearly said, not just my thoughts. I bet you two never think of saying anything without actually saying it.”

“Well, I do,” protested Richard. “Sometimes.”

“Every now and then,” insisted Jeremy sheepishly.

“Actually,” said James, dramatically, his mouth definitely moving this time. “Can you hear anything at all here? If you really pay attention?” He began to whistle.

Richard stared at him, the concentration so hard that it looked as though steam was going to start spewing from his ears. “No,” he said eventually. “But it’s hard to tell the difference.”

Jeremy grinned. “I’m going to have to be careful what I think about. And for now I’m going to think about food.”

“That’s it? We discover a form of telepathy, most likely a way of speaking to the Stig for the very first time, and you’re going to start with food?” asked James, scornfully.

“Is that something you meant to say?” asked Jeremy.

“Yes, definitely,” responded James. “You’re just ignoring a miracle.”

“But I think better on a full stomach,” protested the taller man, pulling one of his more pathetic faces.

“What’re you going to go for?” asked Richard, enthusiastically. “3 minute cheese or 4 minute cheese?”

“I’m going to have a chilli with rice in 6 minutes and 3 seconds,” declared Jeremy.

“Oooh, spaghetti bolognese in 3 minutes and 51 seconds, mine will be here first!” Richard danced around beside Jeremy, beaming across his face.

Jeremy laughed. “Good to know you’re focussed on the important stuff.”

James shrugged. “It’s a foreign country and he’s eating without whinging, we should be grateful, I think.”

“You should probably order something,” added Jeremy. “Or it’ll be you whinging.”

“No problem,” said James, looking at the machine. “I think pie and chips in 22 minutes.”

Jeremy and Richard both burst out laughing.

James rolled his eyes. “I like pies! And I’m not in a race.”

Richard raced to the door, glancing at his watch, ready for his food to appear. Sure enough, a bright yellow stig whizzed up the path, launched something in a box at the house and the automatic door let it through, allowing it to continue its path into the room and smacking Richard directly in the face, knocking him to the ground.

“Ow!” yelped Richard, as Jeremy deftly caught his food, and then both he and James doubled over laughing, the absence of their normal, wheezy giggly noises the most convincing proof that they weren’t hearing sound properly.

Jeremy offered his hand to Richard, handing him the box and shuffling him towards the chair. “Stay there,” he said. “Mine’s arriving soon.”

“Donkey,” laughed James.

“That hurt,” grumbled Richard, rubbing his nose.

“I bet you’re the first person to be flattened by spaghetti,” chuckled Jeremy, standing close to the door himself but much more cautiously.

As Richard managed to open the packaging around his food and began eating, the door swished open again and a second box was hurled through, this time by a red stig. Jeremy was ready, catching it easily, though admittedly, even if it had hit him it would only have been in the chest.

“Easy,” he said to Richard, wandering over to take another chair and immediately setting to work on his box.

Beside them, James sat back, watching them slightly enviously. “I should’ve chosen something faster,” he said.

“Ha! I knew you didn’t mean that whole ‘I’m not in a rush’ thing!” exclaimed Richard.

“Stupid telepathy,” grumbled James. “Giving away important secrets.”

“No one will ever know,” said Richard seriously.

“At least until it’s funny,” added Jeremy.

……………………………………………………………

“We really have to sleep in here?” whined Richard, looking up at the strange foot holders.

“I thought it was just strange food you were reluctant to join in with, Hamster?” put in James. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“You are?” asked Jeremy.

“Yes, we’ll put Hamster in and see what happens,” suggested James, grinning and taking a firm grip on Richard’s left arm.

“What!”

“Good plan,” agreed Jeremy, grabbing Richard’s right arm before he wriggled free of James. “OK then, take a leg each?”

“Yep,” nodded James, reaching down to take hold of Richard’s left leg, mirroring Jeremy’s actions.

“Hey!” protested Richard, wriggling but unable to make either of the two larger men let go.

“You probably don’t want to do that, Hamster,” said James. “We’ll end up dropping you on your head.”

Richard stopped, his eyes widening in alarm.

“There you go,” grinned Jeremy, “just slide your foot in there, and turn this thing so it doesn’t fall out.” He twisted something that seemed like a kind of electronic shoe lace. “Is your foot stuck?”

Richard pulled, hard. “Yes..” He reached his, now freed, hand towards his foot.

“None of that,” said Jeremy, swatting his hand away as James got the other foot fastened in.

“How is it?” asked James. “Is it relaxing?”

“No! I’ve just been deliberately hung upside down by two blokes who I thought were my mates!”

“Sometimes,” shrugged James. “Depends how annoying you’re being.”

“Relax, Hamster,” said Jeremy. “If you start to go purple we’ll get you out.”

“Fantastic,” grumbled Richard, nonetheless trying to relax, stretching his arms towards the floor and swinging slightly.

“Close your eyes,” said James, sitting down and reaching out to stroke Richard’s upper arm. “Take deep breaths.”

Jeremy sank to the ground too with a quiet groan, joining James.

“Keep going,” said James, still stroking Richard’s arm as Jeremy ran his fingers through his hair. “Slow breaths.”

For several minutes Richard seemed calm and quiet, his usually fidgety body hanging limply from the ceiling and letting James and Jeremy try to relax him. Then abruptly his eyes opened again. “Can I come down now?” he asked. “Please?”

“It’s not nice?” asked Jeremy, rubbing his hands through Richard’s hair again.

Richard sighed. “That part’s lovely – provided I’ve got my eyes closed – but all my blood’s in my head now, and I really don’t like it.”

James shrugged. “I guess maybe it’s the helmet that makes that comfortable then?”

“Must be,” agreed Jeremy, struggling back to his feet and wrapping his arms round Richard’s torso. “You release his feet,” he said, “I’ve got him.”

“Really?” squeaked Richard. “You know this is really not relaxing at all!”

“You’re fine,” said Jeremy, nodding to James.

James reached up and released one foot, squeezing Richard’s calf gently as he did so. “One down,” he announced.

“I’ve got him,” said Jeremy.

“OK,” wobbled Richard.

James released the other foot, then moved to grab Richard’s head, helping Jeremy to slide him down to the floor.

“Sorry, Hamster,” he said, earning himself another quizzical look from Jeremy. He shrugged and slid down to lie next to Richard, with Jeremy mirroring his actions on the other side.

“Are we being nice?” asked Jeremy.

“I think so,” said James. “It turns out the stuff I don’t say is all nice, I must be a really nice chap.”

“If you keep it up, and don’t hang me off anything else, I’ll vouch for that,” agreed Richard, lying back against the others, finally relaxed and already drifting off into sleep. “It’s not bad this floor,” he mumbled.

“You’re mostly lying on me,” said Jeremy, but he was quiet too, and Richard was right, it was slightly squashy on the floor.

James grinned. “I’ll find a couple of pillows.”


	3. Chapter 3

They were woken by The Stig returning. Not by him coming through the door, or shouting them or anything like that, but by him grabbing Richard by one foot and dangling him in the air.

“Arrrrgghh!” yelled Richard. “What is it with people wanting me to be upside down!”

“It is easy,” said Stig, not elaborating any further, but dropping Richard immediately.

“Ow! Stig!” Richard complained, though he had at least managed to get his arms in the way to break his fall, and managed to roll away, even if that had led to him half landing on James’s legs.

“Hamster!” complained James.

“Not my fault,” protested Richard.

Jeremy sat up, rubbing his eyes and grinning at the mess. “Business as usual then,” he commented.

Stig folded his arms. “Come to the dining room,” he said, before sweeping out of the room as suddenly as he’d come in.

“What is up with him?” asked Richard, scrambling off James’s legs and onto his feet.

“My guess is we’re about to find out,” said Jeremy, getting up off the floor with a groan.

“Come on then, let’s get the madness over with,” added James, rubbing his shins then staggering after the others.

“That is really not the way to get up,” muttered Richard.

“Right then, Stiggy,” said Jeremy, striding into the dining room. “Hit us with it.”

“Not literally,” added James, hurriedly.

Stig sank into one of the chairs, waiting for the others to join him before responding.

“This is my home,” he said. “I needed to talk to you.”

“Stigs are all small?” asked Richard.

“We are not small!” Stig’s helmet turned to face Richard directly, clearly not impressed by the comment. “You are small. We are shrunk.”

Richard frowned.

“Right, got it,” said James. “So the whole of Stigworld is shrunk?”

“Stigland,” corrected Stig.

“Stigland,” nodded James. “Why is it shrunk?”

“Easier to find space,” shrugged Stig.

“Runaway aliens,” beamed Jeremy. “I knew it!”

“That is not the point,” added Stig, his attention turned to Jeremy.

“What is the point then? We’ve spent all these weeks being shrunk without seeing you until now,” observed Jeremy.

“And being nearly eaten by spiders,” added Richard with a shudder.

“Except for that time on the plane,” added James, unnecessarily, causing Jeremy to glare at him. “We saw him then.”

“What is the point?” repeated Jeremy.

“I wish to meet Abbie,” said Stig.

“What!” James exploded. “All this because you’re interested in our new driver?”

“No,” said Stig.

“You don’t want to meet Abbie?”

“I do.”

James sighed. “You try.”

“Why didn’t you just come and see us? Ask to meet Abbie?” asked Richard.

“I’m talking,” said Stig.

James thumped the table vigorously, a movement that made them all jump but made no sound. “He doesn’t talk when he’s big, of course!”

Stig looked at him.

“Not shrunk, I mean,” added James hastily.

“How’s he going to talk to Abbie then?” asked Richard.

“Maybe he doesn’t need to talk to Abbie,” suggested Jeremy.

“Will you do it?” asked Stig, insistently.

The three men looked at each other, not needing telepathy for that one. Stig was their mate, and Abbie would love to meet him.

“Sure,” said Jeremy. “Take us home.”

“We don’t have to go through the nursery again, do we?” asked James.

………………………………………………………

Instead of producing the heel wheels again, this time Stig summoned what could only be described as a taxi, hovering above the ground and banking ferociously as it arrived at the house and performed a U turn.

“Get in the back,” said Stig, opening the door and pretty much shoving James through the door.

“Alright, alright!” grumbled James, shuffling across and waiting as Richard and then Jeremy climbed in, with Stig taking the passenger seat before Jeremy had even put a foot in the car.

As the last door closed, the taxi immediately shot off, dodging and twisting through the streets at speeds that James’s brain couldn’t even make sense of, the world seeming to fly by even faster than it seemed to on the rollercoaster.

“I’m just going to close my eyes,” said James, causing Jeremy and Richard to giggle.

“It will be fast,” offered Stig.

It was. And impatient. The instant the vehicle pulled to a halt, Stig was already out and attempting to extract James from behind him.

“Extra charge for the slow getting out,” explained Stig.

“Slow!” commented James as Stig reached in to give Richard the same treatment, dragging him right across the back seat.

“Here,” said Stig, as the taxi drew away, almost instantly out of sight.

“It’s a row of shoes,” said Richard, in bemusement.

“They only look like shoes,” said Stig. “Put your feet in them.”

After the previous evening, Richard looked at Stig sceptically. “They’re not going to turn me upside down are they?”

“No,” said Stig.

“It’s fine, Hamster,” said Jeremy, squeezing one foot into a shoe.

“Two feet,” announced James, waving to Stig, and instantaneously growing back to normal, James May size.

“Woah,” said Richard. “Good job these shoes aren’t close together.” He bent down to fit his second shoe and, like James suddenly grew huge.

Stig placed a hand on Jeremy’s arm. “He’s too big,” he said, pointing what looked like a gun at Richard. “Try again.”

Richard shrank back down, but only to Stig size, rather than his more usual proportions.

“I see what you mean,” grinned Jeremy. “That’s just not the Hamster we’re used to.”

Stig nodded, just once, adjusting something on the gun, as Richard shrank down to his normal size beside Jeremy.

“That’s better,” Jeremy patted him on the head.

“Hmph,” muttered Richard.

Stig ignored Richard. “He will be tired,” he told Jeremy, before helping Jeremy into his second shoe and – from Jeremy’s perspective – disappearing.

………………………………………………

Jeremy was the first to awake. He sat up with a slow groan, feeling all the muscles in his body, and particularly his back, complain about the abuse he’d put them through. Pulling himself into a sitting position, he rubbed at his face, getting his brain and eyes working well enough to take in his surroundings.

He was on his living room sofa. To his left, James was sprawled uncomfortably on his two seater sofa, snoring loudly, whilst Richard was to his right, curled up in the armchair, asleep. There was no sign of the Stig, though Jeremy thought it was probably worth checking the flat for him first, just in case. He rose to his feet, leaning against the sofa for a minute before setting off.

By the time James stirred, Jeremy was satisfied that the flat was empty of anyone who might decide to suddenly shrink them, or move them anywhere against their will – including small children – and he was sitting on the sofa drinking a coffee, flipping through messages on his phone. Before James even spoke, Jeremy handed him a mug of coffee, and in a comfortable silence they waited for Richard to come round, the third mug of coffee cooling on the table.

“If we ever do that again,” said Jeremy. “I’m definitely going for one of the thunderbirds. He is far too good at finding trouble.”

James grinned. “You don’t think that’s half the fun?”

Slowly, Richard’s eyes began to open, as Jeremy smiled. “Yeah, probably. I’m keeping an eye out for that Stig though.”

Richard blinked his eyes open slowly, inspecting his hands carefully, then sighing. “Normal again,” he muttered.

Jeremy laughed, reaching out to ruffle his hair again. “You don’t want to be big, Hamster, it wouldn’t be right. And what would we have to make jokes about then?”

“Only the crashes,” said James. “Wait, he was big?”

“For about a millisecond,” replied Richard. “It felt great!”

“It was disturbing, Stig sorted it out straight away. You should feel grateful he didn’t make you smaller!” Jeremy continued to chuckle.

“I hadn’t thought of that!” Richard shot to his feet, wobbling slightly as his equilibrium caught up. “He didn’t, did he?”

Jeremy stood beside him, turning him until his back was facing his stomach then resting his chin on Richard’s head. “Nope, still exactly the same size.”

“Oh thank God!” said Richard in relief.

“Well I don’t think he’d make you smaller,” put in James. “Not when he’s hoping you’ll help introduce him to Abbie.”

“Oh yeah,” nodded Richard, wondering if he was going to have to make sure Stig always wanted something from him. “Abbie. But then Stig’s not here, so how are we going to do that?”

Stig sauntered into the room as though summoned.

“You’re not going to make me smaller, are you?” asked Richard.

“Hey, I just checked the house for you!” protested Jeremy.

Stig cocked his head, but whatever he was saying, they could no longer hear.

James let out a sigh of relief and deliberately had several nice thoughts he didn’t want the others to hear.

………………………………………………

In a garage, with people waiting for their cars to be serviced around him, Stig sat and nursed what looked like a coffee, his gloved hands alternately holding the cup and resting flat against the table, as though he was demonstrating that he was no threat. He looked up as a woman entered, standing as he recognised Abbie in her full racing gear and simply staring until she had grabbed her own coffee and sat down opposite him, only then sitting down again himself.

“So what is it you wanted to see me about, Stig?” asked Abbie, patiently.

Stig nodded once, pleased, then slowly reached out to touch her helmet, his hand reaching the visor and gradually sliding it closed. Then, satisfied, he patted Abbie on the head, stood up and left the garage.


End file.
